Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed, frustrated and irritated and wonder where to start with everything that needs to get done? The kitchen sink might be full of unwashed dishes; the washing machine is beeping, as does the phone; your little ones call “Moooomy look!” and you catch them last minute before a self-built chair castle falls down. And all this while you are trying to keep a great thought that just entered your mind about your work or a passion project.
I certainly have such moments when I just think: Gosh, how are you supposed to NOT go insane in such overwhelming chaos? The long-held belief that multitasking is efficient and that women are particularly good at it has been disproved by many studies now. While sometimes we might not have a choice other than multitasking, it is definitely not helping our mental state to be doing it constantly. And even though I sometimes still experience moments of overwhelm, I have found a few tools that can help get back some sanity in the chaos that can prevail at home—especially if you have sweet little human beings with independent minds to take care of at the same time:
1. Take moments to BREATHE
I had heard the advice to breathe when feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed many times, yet until recently, I did not entirely understand how it could help me in such situations. For example, when I felt I was about to blow up at home for some reason, I would start breathing in a hectic, dog-like way (meaning a dog who just comes back from a 10 km run in the sun—panting like crazy). My daughters would sometimes stop and look at me (at least this behavior would draw their attention!), but I rarely felt more relaxed after this type of breathing.
In a lovely women’s group with which I connect regularly online, we developed the ritual to start each session with three deep breaths. After having done this for a few months, I finally understood how breathing can really help us calm down and center. It is about giving yourself the gift to take in a deep breath, pause at the top, and then exhale—three times. Often we are encouraged to give ourselves a little neck or head massage while breathing in and out. And with some practice, this type of breathing has come to help me enormously when I feel overwhelmed. It helps me center in the storm and feel like I can take up my surfboard again to take the next wave coming at me after this little ritual.
2. Set Three Intentions on
How You Want to FEEL Each Day
I recently came across the beautiful concept of the “Desire Map” created by Danielle LaPorte. Her concept suggests turning goal-setting upside down and establishing “goals with soul.” This implies that, rather than just setting and focusing on a goal you’d like to achieve, it can be good to focus on how you want to feel each day and to set your goals accordingly. With the usual goal-setting procedure, we often chase goals and hope that we’ll feel accomplished once we reach them. While reaching a goal can give you a pleasurable, rewarding feeling, this feeling often doesn’t last long as we continue to chase our next goal. A much more sustainable and fulfilling way of setting goals can hence be to define how we want to feel each day.
In the before-mentioned women’s group, we were encouraged to set three intentions for how we want to feel during the next 6 to 12 months. We were then asked to report back daily for 21 days what we did each day to achieve this feeling. I chose that I wanted to feel 1) grounded in myself, 2) joyful with my family and friends (consciously enjoying moments with them), and 3) visionary and purpose-driven in my work. It was proposed to choose one emoji per feeling and to shortly check in on our WhatsApp group each day, putting the emoji and then writing a sentence of what we did to get closer to our desired feeling.
I must say that this approach has been life-changing for me. Bringing your attention to your desired feelings each day, makes you live and enjoy your days much more consciously. I look out for little moments that bring me joy with my loved ones on a daily basis now. It could be anything from a nice self-cooked dinner with my husband to the visit of an animal park and the glowing eyes of our daughters. Similarly, I try to take little moments here and there each day to center and ground myself. Be it by taking a few deep breaths, by slowly enjoying a cup of coffee, or by taking a few minutes to journal about my day and my feelings.
Reflecting on how you want to feel each day and setting your daily intentions accordingly is an extremely valuable tool in my eyes. The actions will then somehow follow automatically, and it becomes much easier to prioritize and organize your plans and to-do lists.
3. Get yourself a GOOD PLANNER that helps you focus on your broader goals and not just your imminent to-do list
I love writing to-do lists and have often had discussions with my husband about whether they are helpful or not. For me, there is nothing better than writing down what comes to my mind as it clears up space in my mind for other things. For him, my endless to-do lists seem like a self-imposed stress factor ruling my life.
It is true that to-do lists can be helpful but also frustrating since oftentimes we have way too many items on them, and we might feel frustrated if we only get done a fraction of them. Or we might feel that we are just rushing throughout our days to get as many items as possible ticked off. However, I have found that the way you write your daily lists plays a vital role in whether such lists help you live the life you want or if they become daily stress factors. I have tried many different planners, and I have come to love several. (See the following links.)
What I appreciate about all of them is that they encourage you to focus on one to three primary goals that are important for you. These goals are often long-term goals you work toward, like writing a book, setting up a business, getting in better physical shape, etc., and which might take a backseat if we only focus on the most urgent “to-do” items that are daily on our lists, like setting up appointments, dealing with other people’s requests, etc. If we give room to our longer-term goals (which are ideally linked to our “goals with soul”), and we advance toward them consistently—even if that means a little baby step each day—we will be on a good journey. Of course, some room and time need to be given to all the other tasks, as well. But the focus should first lie on our important goals before we move on to the urgent ones that often do not move us closer to our broader dream or vision. Some planners also include pages for goal setting, for daily self-care practice—something very useful in my eyes! —or pages for gratitude or positive-habit practices. Please find below a list of planners that I have enjoyed using so far:
- The 6 Minute Success Journal
- The Productivity Planner from the Intelligent Change Store
- The Full Focus Planner by Michael Hyatt
- The Living Well Planner by Ruth Soukup
- The High Performance Planner by Brendon Burchard
4. Say NO more often so that you can say YES whole-heartedly to what is important to you
A lesson that is hard to learn for many people-pleasers, a category in which many women fall, is to learn to say no nicely, yet firmly so that you have room and space for things you want to say yes to whole-heartedly. I have talked to many women, and I know from first-hand experience that “over-yessing” can lead to burnout in the long term. Of course, we want to be there for people we love and for people who need us. But we can’t constantly give in to requests from others when this means that we give up on our own dreams and priorities. There is only so much time in the day, and it is important to choose wisely on what we want to spend time on. If we want to spend some more time with our children, or just by ourselves, or on a passion project, we might need to learn to say no to requests that take our time away from these priorities.
I identify myself as a typical people-pleaser who can’t say “no” very easily. But I have noticed that there is no energy or time left for myself and my dreams and priorities if I pour my whole cup constantly before filling it up. And to fill up your cup, it is necessary to know what your priorities or desired feelings are and then make time for them—even if that means that you have to say no to a few other things. Our intuitive inner voice is often a good adviser in this regard. It shows us—by feeling uneasy, irritated, or stressed out—that something got out of balance and that we might have over-committed to too many requests from outside. I sometimes revise my decisions now when I feel a knot in my stomach, or if I feel overrun by too many outside requests. What I started doing recently is to then put all requests aside, take a 30-minute sand glass, and focus for 30 or 60 minutes on the most important project to me. After that, I feel much more accomplished and fulfilled again and have more energy to efficiently deal with all the other requests as well.
5. Put your PHONE ASIDE for little stretches during the day to enjoy the present and focus on your goals and dreams
This advice is no new advice. Deep inside, most of us know that an unhealthy addiction to our cell phones only leads to distraction and self-imposed stress as we spend our time scrolling aimlessly instead of spending time on what is important to us. Of course, cell phones and various apps offer us lots of advantages today. And we can read and learn inspiring things when using them to our advantage. At the same time, it is pretty incredible to observe the important role that cell phones have obtained in our lives. Most people I know—myself included—would find it much more worrying to lose their cell phones instead of their wallets. Our pictures, favorite apps, and communication channels with the outside world are usually included on our phones, and they form part of our identity.
Nevertheless, the constant use of these items can lead to enormous distraction, overwhelm, and disappointment for those we want to spend time with. For my daughters, it is sometimes the most special time when they know that my cell phone is in a different room and that I am fully present with them in their play. And I notice that often I feel much calmer and more focused on the task I am working on when I put my cell phone aside for a couple of hours. Not only does it help me to focus entirely on what I am doing or enjoying. It also leads me to deal more efficiently with responding to messages and requests once I pick up my cell phone. If I take regular “cell phone breaks” throughout the day, I then allow myself 15 or 20 minutes in between to check my messages and respond to them in an organized way. It makes you the one in control of your device instead of being controlled by it.
6. Get enough SLEEP
I am probably the last person who should be writing about getting enough sleep as I am by far not a great example for it. I have always been a night owl and still struggle to go to bed on time. But even though I can still improve in this regard, I have noticed many times just how important it is to get a few hours of good, restorative rest.
Countless studies have shown that good sleep patterns are of crucial importance for our mental and physical well-being. Most adults need 7 to 8 hours per night to feel well-rested. And I notice myself what a difference a good night’s sleep makes for my mood the next day. So, to push myself to go earlier to bed—especially since my nights are still often interrupted by our little ones—I try to motivate myself now by putting a book I’d like to read on my pillow so that the bed looks inviting. And I notice that my reluctance to go to bed is slowly replaced by pleasant anticipation to lie comfortably, reading a little bit, before drifting off to sleep. What has also helped me lately is to start a little morning routine for myself before the rest of the family wakes up. Since I enjoy these quiet moments so much, I have become much keener to go to bed on time to be able to get up early the next day.
On those days when I still feel tired for some reason, I try to allow myself a little pause in the form of a power nap at some point during the day. I recently came across a saying that goes: “Luxury is an afternoon nap.” I love to remind myself of this from time to time since, in my experience, a small power nap can work wonders for your concentration and motivation afterward again. Of course, everyone is different, and people have different natural sleep patterns. But getting enough sleep—no matter how—seems to be one crucial factor for not feeling too overwhelmed by little things the next day.
A lighthearted feeling in everyday life
I hope the suggestions above could provide some inspiration for reducing feeling overwhelmed. Of course, feelings of overwhelm can come in easily, but it can be good to check the triggers that make us feel this way and to prepare ourselves the best possible way to reduce them. And if it overcomes us anyway, we can try to implement a few quick tools to surf through the wave of overwhelm with grace and good hope that it is only a temporary state of mind!